Well here I am frustrated again. I feel like I’ve come full circle but not in a conclusive sort of way as though I had accomplished anything–I didn’t. The full circle I’m referring to is synonymous to a cat chasing its tail. A fruitless waste of time and he looks stupid doing it, which is exactly how I feel right now.
Amy sat here and listened to me for an hour and then had to move on after claiming that she had completed one full circle with me. I commend and applaud her for doing that and asking her to do anymore than that is selfish on my part. If she’s willing to sit there and listen to my bitch and moan about things neither I or anyone else can control then it’s gotta’ be love, or martyrdom–I don’t know, one of those. Regardless, I love her for taking the time and patience to do so.
I seem to be passing through a similar soul search that I went through when Amy was pregnant with Max, except that one was very religious and I felt like I received spiritual epiphanies back to back. Exactly how many, I don’t know but I felt that I understood my relationship with God and Jesus by the time Max was born. So how long was that? About eight months to enlightenment, exactly nine though (speaking of circles).
And now I’m waiting for another child. Amy is pregnant with our second child and I’m passing through a different type of awakening. This time it’s not spiritual. In fact, I feel like I don’t want God anywhere near this problem, I think that he has better things to do anyway. Besides, I solved my God situation back when Max was brewing. This time, my soul search appears very mechanical, technical. I feel like I want to pop the trunk on our universal car(analogy) and see exactly what makes it work. I want to know exactly how every frickin’ atom and its many accompanying particles work.
So how did I do this? The hardest way possible. I did it by pouring myself into quantum mechanics and trivializing the essence of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, E=MC^2. Somehow, I came to the conclusion that if I can figure out how Einstein demonstrated that light(c^2) links the relationship between (m)atter and (e)nergy, then I could know how to manipulate both. But to do exactly what?
Do I have a “God Complex”? I better go look that up and see if I’m showing symptoms of obsessive tendencies. But Amy told me that if I think I’m nuts, I’m probably not. I think she may be trying to make me feel better. I have been to a therapist for this and they didn’t find anything wrong. They simply told me that I was feeling anxiety over the pregnancy and to meditate more. I was also suffering many of the physical symptoms of stress which I won’t go into here.
Back to me trying to manipulate reality through Einstein’s theories. I’m not sure why my anxiety makes me choose soul searching reboots to my life. I have to consider the fact that I saw all the external signs prior to the birth of these children. It seems as though they somehow sent me messages or signals that they were arriving. For that matter, it seems as though I’ve know about them in one way or another all my life.
Max came to Amy and I as no surprise. We expected him and felt like we knew all about Max when she announced her pregnancy with him. But the little one that she’s pregnant with now gave her no signs, but I received them in the form of numbers–the six. I saw sixes everywhere, often–mostly on digital clocks. It’s hard to explain and most people would be content with an explanation of coincidence. But I don’t believe in that. These two children are here for a purpose, I believe although I don’t know what that purpose is.
I’m going to keep my eye and mind on this because I have a feeling that something interesting is going to come of all this. More later.
